In one of my previous posts I mentioned that in summer of 2008 I was living in Bay Area, while on an internship at a company XYZ Inc. I had a great time there and it seemed like I was able to impress my superiors since they offered me to come back for another term. I wasn’t much of a hard decision to return, but I figured I might as well try to get a position at an office in a different locale. Coincidentally, one of the guys that I worked quite closely with was transferring to XYZ Inc. office in Zurich for a year and he generously offered to take me on as an intern.

Obviously, it seemed like a great opportunity and I was super excited. I have always thought about what it’s like to work in Europe and especially Switzerland and whether that place was for me. It was a perfect chance to find an answer to my questions. I felt like the only barrier that remained between me and the country of cheese, chocolate, watches and army knives was finding a place to live. 

I’ve heard from other people that Zurich has a very tight market for housing and it’s quite tough to find an apartment. It is even harder if you are looking for something cheap and close the city center. Unfortunately, this student-friendly combination of the desired apartment qualities is not Zurich-friendly. 

On top of all the previous things I was looking for a place from overseas, which most definitely wasn’t making anything easier. My only way of housing search was to send out a ton of emails and hope that at least some people respond. This tactic proved to be somewhat effective, since some people did respond. However, the responses that I got from time to time made me jump up in my chair. In this article I would like to summarize some of the weirdest emails that I got over the course of 2 months that I spent looking for an apartment. 

It all started with a couple of messages from a woman, call her Laura Misspeller (the name is changed due to confidentiality and satirical purposes), who responded to my inquiry regarding her ad on Craigslist. Let me say a couple of things off topic here. Everyone knows that Craigslist is great. However, what some people don’t know or refuse to believe in is that Craigslist sucks when it comes down to looking for anything outside North America. Try this as a proof – http://zurich.en.craigslist.ch/sub/ – you are going to find around 10 posts over the past 4 months. Anyways, the situation was pretty similar back in October of 2008. I looked at Craiglist. I saw a lonely ad. I sent out a typical “is-it-still-available” email. I waited. A couple of days later I get this response from the L. Misspeller:

Hi <THK>,

As regard room which is available for rent in Zurich.

For formalty purpose, let me introduce myself:

Well, for formality purpose maybe you should spell formality correctly? No?

My name is Laura Misspeller,28,easy going, Clean tidy, non smoker female.

Also for formality purpose it’d be great not to pile 1001 things in a single sentence. After all nobody puts 1001 arabic tales in a single book! …wait… or do they?

I am originally from London, Uk, and i moved to join my father in Switzerland 
when he was transfered here.

The house formally belongs to my late father, who worked with British High Commission 
here in Switzerland until his death and he has passed it to my mother through his will.
My mother and siblings went back to the UK,London after the death of my father.

I don’t know if it’s a European thing to tell your whole family f-ing life story to a complete stranger, but this kinda freaked me out. All I asked in the email is “Is the room still available” and this girl tells me about her dad’s will. Wow.. easy there Speedy Gonzales.

The most important thing i am looking for is to share daily live and common value.

The ideal person i will like to share the apatment with must be a neat person,tidy person, 
trust worthy person and there must be proof that he or she can payfor the monthly rent.

I am currently working with an Airline which enables me to travel alot and i as 
well attend language school when i am not working.

I will like to share the apartment with an English speaking person because of easy communication.

The apartment is located at <Blah Blah Blah – she goes on here about her appartment details>

Regards.

Laura

OK, I’ve got to admit, this wasn’t too bad. Minus the hail of the spelling mistakes, run-on sentences and unnecessary personal details it was pretty regular. Plus the possibility of her being a sexy stewardess and I decide to email her again. I tell her that I’m a student from Canada and I need a place to stay for 4 months. I ask her if she is OK with dealing with me long distance. I don’t hear back from her for a week… not much of a Speedy Gonzales in that sense…

Finally a response:

Hi <THK>,  

Thanks for your mail, and i am really sorry for getting back to you so
late, it is due to my busy schedule at work.  

Alright, fine. I will let that slide.

It’s really nice to know that you have an interest in my room.  

Was that not clear in my first email? Note to self: next time write in big block letters: I HAVE AN INTEREST IN YOUR ROOM.

I would have love to set-up an appointment with you in order for you to come and visit the apartment, but i am currently on official assignment, but we can fix your visiting at a later date.

Wow, wow, wow. Hold on a second. Are you dumb? Laura, sweetie, did you even read my last email? While you are on an ”official assignment” (I wonder what that is), I’m feeding my testicles to frost bite in the Great White North. Wake up!

The flat has three room,One is for me,One is for rent and the last one
is regarded as a visitor’s room. The fact is that the room is still available and there are people contacting about the room, but i have gone through your profile and i
am contacting you to see if we could have a deal, but it depend on

My profile? The only thing my profile says is that I’m from Canada and you clearly haven’t gone through that.

your seriousness as regard having the room , because i have come
across so many unserious people who only like wasting other peoples
time, i hope you quiet understand my worries and if you are truly interested
in renting the room you will have to book for it in advance, by transferring the rent (First Month) and the Security Deposit to our family lawyer’s account via bank transfer, i hope you know what this is.

Yes, I do. Do you know of such a thing like articles or British English doesn’t have them?

However,before you can make the payment, there are procedures which we have to follow,Our family lawyer will have to prepare a tenancy Agreement Form which you will have to read and understand and if you eventually agree with the contents of the contract, you will have to print it out and sign it and come with a copy on your move-in date.

<some useless details here>

I will be waiting to read from you soon.

Regards.

Laura.P:S I have attached the pictures of the apartment for your viewing.
The security deposit is refundable on your move out date. answer.     

After this response, I figure that she is mentally challenged and I would be better off breading goats in Northern Greenland than sharing anything bigger than a cockroach with the miss Misspeller. I make up some story and tell her politely to f-off…

Bad idea, it’s downhill from there. I get an email from another Craigslist person. This one is even weirder:

Hi <THK>,

Thanks a lot for your interest in my apartment, I am willing and happy to let you know 
that my apartment still very much vacant and it will be a great privilege to rent you 
my beautiful and lovely apartment located in a very quiet and cool area about 200m away from the city center 

Buddy, stop right there. I thought Laura’s run-on sentences were bad. This guy looks like he wants to write the whole email in one big sentence. Also, what is up with the overwhelming affection to the apartment? It’s not a puppy that you are giving away for 4 months. Finally, a great privilege? I’m not a queen of England.

Some vital Informations about myself,I am Mr michael douche sitthere

The information is so vital that you can’t even capitalize your own name?

I was born in California,but my father is from 
zurish.I study International Relation in  California..
where I acquired citizenship,I finished schooling and I was 
employed by a multi national Company.. I was transferred to United
Kingdom May,2006 precisely where I and my wife are earning our living now..
Presently I am executing a contract with SIEMENS here in England..

Here comes another lifestory. Laura, do you guys know each other?

Anyway I will be  very glad to come over to view you my apartment 
and rent you my apartment if truly you have interest in renting my nice apartment.

Oh-oh. This guy also doesn’t read his emails. Laura, are you guys related?

Due to the nature of the Modern equipments and facilities in my apartment and the furnitures,
I will really need a friend not even a tenant who is responsible,tidy,clean,reliable,
trustworthy,transparent and honest..also willing and ready to rent my apartment without any lack of Mistrust 

He doesn’t capitalize his own name, but capitalizes Mistrust. Total lack of self esteem, but at least he has his priorities.

and will take very good care of my apartment as am away.

Actually the apartment belong to my  late Father who died 
last year,July precisely  2007 and since then I have assumed 
the Total Control of the apartment,although all the documents 
still bear my father Name and they are all with my lawyer over 
here in UK…At the demise of my Dad,I gave the apartment to 

Damn… Another dying father? Now I’m sure that Laura is this guy’s baby sister.

an Agent due to my busy schedule here in UK  but I later 
discovered he rip me off and also exploit the Tenants and since 
then my lawyer  has  adviced me to withdraw his service from 
taking control of the apartment which i took total control of it myself now…
  
DETAILS ABOUT MY APARTMENT………. 

<Good 2 pages of apartment and rental contract details follow here>

Hope to read from you soon.

 Regards. 
sitthere.

Weirdo!!! I flag this one as spam and hope not to hear from his guy ever again.

Here comes another Craigslist- junkie. I think the third one is the charm and read:

Hello,

I am  so much excited.

I read that and I want to stop reading. Was my email the first you have read in the last 10 years? Did you think you were the protagonist of I Am Legend or something?

My name is Rope picky White the owner of the apartment and also want you to know that it was due to my transfer that makes me and my wife and little daughter to leave the apartment and also want to give it out for rent and looking for a responsible person that can take very good care of it while we are not at the state as we are not after the money for the rent but want it to be clean at the time and the person that will rent it to take it as if it were its own.

The third one is the charm, if you consider run-on sentences. Rope picky scores a winning touchdown with his 102-word monster.

So for now, we are here in West Africa, our new house and put all my worries off concerning the maintenance of the apartment for, since i am not residing there for now.

Never without a life story. This dude is like a brother from another mother for little Laura and Sitthere.

I left behind some Facilities and electonics which include the rent, DVD player, air conditioning, alarm system. The kitchen is fully equipped with all necessary cooking utensils, refrigerator-freezer, four-hob and oven, microwave, dishwasher and washing machine, my computer connected with Internet access also the keys and document of the apartment are right here with us in West Africa, and the lease document.

<some details follow here>

Hello??? I’m in Canada. You’re in Africa. How the hell are we going to do business?

*********RENT APPLICATION FORM**********

<more details here>

I personally will actually come visiting you sometimes during the year as our new tenant.

From West Africa? Do you own a private jet?

Thanks and God bless
Regards
Rope Picky

God bless you too, Rope Picky. God bless finding somebody to live in your apartment, because it’s sure as hell ain’t going to be me.

 

 

After the last email, I completely lost hope in Craigslist and switched a bunch of other website eventually finding a pretty decent place. I still got some weird emails, but they weren’t as bad as the ones listed above. Moreover, I don’t think I should be making this post any longer, since no one will ever read it.

Moral of the story:

• When you look for a place to live in Europe, don’t use Craigslist.
• If you ignore the point above, watch out for weirdoes.
• Maple Leafs suck, which is incidentally the moral of any story.